PARKES LIFE: I'm not down with the kids anymore...

THERE was a time when I knew every face in every celebrity magazine going.

I could tell you who was number one in the charts and what singles were being released that week.

If a job at Smash Hits magazine had come up, it had my name written all over it.

Sadly the iconic magazine came to an end and so did my dreams of being the editor.

Anyway, what I’m leading up to is that I bought a copy of a well-known celeb magazine last week (one I had vowed to stop buying because of the low standard of journalism) and hardly recognised a face in it!

It was full of Heidi this, Hannah that, Hayden summat and Leighton what-not and apart from Lady Gaga I felt totally overwhelmed by my lack of showbiz knowledge.

The Hills? Is that a spin-off from Beverly Hills 90210? The City - where is the Sex

And The? And One Tree What?

Who are all these people and what are all these programmes?

Don’t even get me started on the vampire stuff - what on earth is this craze with R-Pattz and blood sucking cretins?

I know there was a book and now there are three films but the idea of watching teenage vampires for two hours really doesn’t float my boat. Sorry fans (of the show not me of course).

Glee on the other hand, now I am down with that. Camp magic if you ask me.

But when it comes to turning on the radio - MP3 player, iPOD or whatever else young cool things are listening to-I’m equally lost.

I mean who is Jason Derulo and why does he insist on singing his name at the start of each song? A craze that appears to have crept in to modern music.

I’ve only just worked out who or what N-Dubz is and recently learned that Akon was a real person not just a computerised voice box.

Every time I turn on the radio it sounds like the same song, a poppy R n B number, so I start singing along “I’m riding solo” and whoops, I’m going nowhere because

I’m singing the wrong song.

If it’s not Gaga, Beyonce or Dizzee Rascal, I’m useless.

So, I shall not be buying a celeb magazine again until I know who these characters are.

What happened to Cheryl and Brangelina? The Hoff and J-Lo? These people are in my territory but I’m so behind the times I may as well dig out some old Smash Hits to keep me entertained.

Right, I’m off to watch Saved by the Bell.

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