LETTER TO THE EDITOR: Cloud Cuckoo Land planning

A COUNCIL in the north of England has strongly denied claims that their development timetables and costings are calculated on the back of fag packets.

“It’s absolutely untrue to say we use fag packets,” said a council spokesperson (who didn’t want to be named). “Our Cloud Cuckoo Land Transformation Programme was worked out in meticulous detail; on the back of an envelope. And all of the figures are rigorously checked by our Scrutiny Panel.”

“It is true that a member of the admin team, unfortunately, posted a letter in that envelope before it got to Scrutiny. But, I can assure residents that everything conforms to our strict requirement that each scheme must have — at the very least — a cat-in-hell’s chance of being delivered.”

It is also alleged that the developers doing the work are profiteering from all of the panic about soaring inflation. “That’s just rubbish,” said the chief executive officer of Ripoff Regeneration Solutions (who also didn’t want to be named).

“We’re not a charity; we’re here to reward our shareholders for investing in us. But, we’re not profiteering,” insisted the CEO. “Yes, we charge councils a bit more because we can get away with….oh, sorry: I mean because we want to do an especially good job for their citizens, a few of whom can’t even afford to live in four-bedroom houses.”

The CEO was then reminded that not one of their developments had ever been completed on time or to its original budget. “Ah; market-forces I’m afraid. Anyway, I was on holiday at the time.”                         Rob Slow

 

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