The memorable, the emotional, the disgraceful, the ridiculous ... my behind-the-scenes look-back at Rotherham United's promotion season

Best goal:

With sincere apologies to Matt Crooks and Ben Wiles, it has to be Kyle Vassell’s long-range volley on the turn from a crazy angle against Hull City in the FA Cup at AESSEAL New York Stadium in January.

Crooks’ floated chip in the wind at Gillingham would have been a worthy winner in most other seasons while Wiles’ Gazza-esque chip over an opponent and unerring finish at home to Bolton Wanderers was all class and quick-thinking coolness.

Quickest interview 1:

Dan Barlaser. The lord of the long pass is also the master of the short answer. Ask manager Paul Warne two questions and you get ten minutes’ worth of quotes. Ask Barlaser ten questions and you get two minutes’ worth of material. Then, as soon as the recorders are turned off, you can’t stop the Geordie talking. Great lad.

Best quote 1:

“The referee didn’t give it and that’s the end of it.” Richard Wood distances himself from the truth when asked if the ref should have blown for a penalty after the centre-half’s GBH challenge on an opponent late on in the 1-0 League One win at Burton Albion in August.

The Burton Mail certainly thought it was a spot-kick (they were dead right) and ran a sequence of pictures capturing Woody’s assault across their entire back page the following Monday morning.

Best individual displays:

Jamie Lindsay at Gillingham, Dan Barlaser at home to Blackpool, Matt Crooks at Ipswich Town and Oxford United, Chiedozie Ogbene at home to Bristol Rovers and Michael Ihiekwe in just about every game.

My second-favourite club:

They’re not the biggest club or the richest, but Accrington Stanley have the most soul and kindest hearts. The welcome in Lancashire was lovely and friendly and Stanley supporters also took Rotherham’s late, late winner in their companionable stride. Tragically, Millers fan Andrew Wilson-Storey collapsed after the match and never regained consciousness. Stanley staff did everything they could to help and a plaque in Andrew’s memory will grace the Wham Stadium next season. Thank you, humble, down-to-earth Accrington for the way you conduct yourselves. You’re an example to all.

Craziest game:

3-0 down in the FA Cup at non-league Solihull Moors with 15 minutes left. Final score: Solihull 3 Rotherham 4. Multiple rewrites for the on-the-whistle report ... Rotherham humiliated 3-0; Rotherham embarrassed 3-1; Rotherham fightback is in vain; Courageous Rotherham live to fight another day; Oh my god, what’s just happened?

Moment of greatest skill:

It came during the 1-1 draw at Coventry City in February when the division’s best two sides fought each other to a thrilling standstill. In the second half, a ball bounced awkwardly towards Dan Barlaser. Well, awkwardly, that is, if you’re an average player. The midfield didn’t even bother to take a touch and just knocked a perfectly-weighted, defence-splitting, 50-yard volley that died right at the feet of a teammate.

Favourite moment:

When Richard Wood attacked a 50:50 tackle at New York against Peterborough United with such ferocity that the thud was still echoing round the stadium after the final whistle. With the Posh opponent demolished, a ball-boy ran for his life when the loose ball ended up near the touchline and Wood looked ready to launch a follow-up challenge. That was the end of Posh that day and the Millers cruised to a 4-0 victory.

Terror tackle: Richard Wood

Longest ten minutes:

Managing to ‘acquire’ off the record at 3.50pm the announcement the EFL were planning to issue to confirm Rotherham’s promotion to the Championship and then having to sit on it until 4pm when the EFL themselves made it official.

Longest month:

June. Being furloughed and not being able to report on the Millers’ promotion until now.

Weekly highlight:

Heading off to Roundwood to interview Richard Wood for his column in the Advertiser. I don’t have favourites but Wood is my favourite. The captain likes his coffee and was always a great host as we sat among the white tables in the communal area. A hundred anecdotes, a thousand laughs, a million Nespressos and ten million ‘No, please don’t put that bit in, my missus will kill me’.

The ‘Wish I could jump out of the press box and join the fans’ moments:

Shrewsbury Town, New Meadow, Boxing Day, Michael Smith last-minute winner.

Lincoln City, Sincil Bank, February 7, Matt Crooks’ goal for Jordan Sinnott.

Accrington Stanley, Wham Stadium, February 22, Ben Wiles last-minute winner.

God, you lot looked good in those away ends.

Best quote 2:

“I think it was the second and third week in June, Gaffer.” Joe Mattock’s response when manager Paul Warne couldn’t remember the name of his Turkish holiday destination and asked the full-back for clarification.

Best lines I wrote all season:

The following was part of the match report after the 1-0 New York win when Rotherham steamrollered Ipswich Town in January.

This was Rotherham against the leaders, Rotherham against the team that had taken League One’s pole position from them the previous weekend, Rotherham against themselves as they sought to bounce straight back from a first defeat in eight matches in their last outing.

Here you are, Ipswich. Have that, feel that, suffer that. Take your blue shirts and defeat back to East Anglia. We are Rotherham. We are red. We are top now.

I sang ‘Come on, you Reds’ and treated myself to a tea — one sugar — in my Millers mug after that one.

‘What a nice lad’ moment:

Watching teenage striker Josh Kayode helping cook Carol, the queen of the Millers canteen, unload the food from her car and then carrying all the bags into Roundwood for her.

Welcome to Rotherham:

Young full-back Trevor Clarke has arrived from Ireland only a few days earlier when he suddenly appeared at the shoulder of Paul Warne who was conducting a Thursday-morning pre-match press conference out in the sun on the verandah at the Roundwood training complex.

The manager continued talking for a while before he twigged what was happening. “The players have sent you out to be interviewed, haven’t they, Trev? You have my permission to go back in there and tell every one of them to ‘f*ck off’. They’re bad people, Mate.”

Quickest interview 2:

Michael Smith. Smudge claims to enjoy ‘doing press’, probably because it usually means he’s bagged the winner if the club put him up for an after-match interview. However, he is in the Dan Barlaser class of keeping it short and sweet. We chatted about it once and I impressed on him how much reporters appreciate extended answers because it makes their lives easier.

A few weeks later, he wandered into the AESSEAL New York Stadium after scoring twice in the 4-0 win over Coventry City. “Remember what we’ve talked about,” I whispered as he settled into his seat and journalists placed their iPhones and voice recorders around him. The interview started like this ...

Me: “Congratulations on the victory, Michael. Can you give us your thoughts on the game?”

Him: “I thought we played well and it’s obviously good to get all three points.” Then silence.

Me: “Are you doing this on purpose?”

The ‘Don’t treat me like a goldfish’ moment:

Michael Ihiekwe emerged from the changing room into a grimy corridor at Roots Hall to talk to the press about the Millers’ 2-2 draw at Southend United. He put down his new, obviously-expensive toiletry bag and I noticed it had his initials monogrammed on it. “Ooo, you can tell someone’s just signed a new contract,” I laughed. As the questions began, the centre-half surreptitiously turned the bag around to hide the ‘M’ and the ‘I’. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Just because I can’t see them doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten they’re there.”

Game off:

“Is it that bad, Breck?” I asked club ambassador John Breckin after the Millers had turned up at non-league Farsley Celtic for a summer friendly only to decide the pitch was unplayable and head back to South Yorkshire.

“Bad?” said Breck. “We lost Matt Crooks down a divot while we were having a look and he’s 6ft 5in.”

Best interview technique:

Joe Mattock. “Sometimes when I’m halfway through an answer I forget what the actual question was but just keep waffling on. By the time I’ve finished, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

Still better than Michael Smith, mind.

Things we could have all done without 1:

Coronavirus.

Things we could have all done without 2:

The anti-Rotherham rhetoric in some quarters that ignored the health and financial implications of cornavirus during the build-up to the League One clubs’ vote that ended the season and saw the Millers promoted.

How much of my phone chats with Paul Warne were actually on the record:

About five minutes.

How long we actually spoke for:

About 30 minutes.

Most disgraceful act in a press room:

Another award for Michael Smith who, along with several other Millers substitutes, spent the first half of the pre-season friendly at Bradford Park Avenue watching proceedings from the press box before going on for the second half.

Reporters’ concentration was shattered when the centre-forward explosively broke wind in an elongated episode of gas expulsion that went on for much longer than one of his interview answers.

“How dare you come into my home and do that?” thundered Millers media man Matt Goodwin in mock outrage at the perpetrator who was now convulsed by giggles.

Smith went on at half-time and played his part in a 5-1 Rotherham success but such poor manners didn’t go unpunished. I gave him 5/10 in the player ratings.

Best prank:

The rule is ‘four people maximum’ in the physio room at Roundwood. One morning, defender Adam Thompson, realising he was the fourth person, covered himself in white towels, camouflaged himself against a white wall and waited for fifth-person victims to come through the door before revealing himself. Michael Ihiekwe complains to this day about having to pay a fine.

Best quote 3:

“Tricky Trev (Trevor Clarke) is one funny guy. He has the dressing room in stitches at times. I’d laugh myself but I can’t understand a word he says.” Paul Warne takes time to come to terms with the defender’s Irish accent.

Sign him up, Warney:

The pigeon that landed on the pitch, stayed for the entire match and covered every blade of New York grass during the Millers’ 1-0 triumph over Accrington Stanley in November. Not even Jamie Lindsay can get around the pitch the way the pigeon did. It was received 8/10 in the Advertiser ratings.

Poor referees:

The standard of officiating in League One has never been so low. Maybe the worst of a bad bunch in 2019/20 was Lancashire’s portly Darren Handley who was in charge for the home match against Accrington Stanley.

Here’s how the Advertiser recorded it:

Two short-legged, round-chested figures were strutting round the pitch at AESSEAL New York Stadium.

One was a pigeon.

The other was a referee with a bird-brained idea of how to run a football match.

I quite liked those lines as well.

Best quote 4:

“My missus has suggested ‘Bandit’ and I admit it’s a good name but if we call him that then I’m going to have to get a second one and call him ‘Smokey’.” Paul Warne on trying to choose a name for the new family dog. They eventually settled on ‘Chief’.

Most emotional moment:

There was public emotion at the final whistle at Oxford United when Rotherham supporters chanted the name of Richie Barker and the assistant boss, having lost younger brother Chris, cried on the pitch. But what got to me most was coming across Barker soon afterwards in the relative privacy of the corridor by the dressing rooms deep inside the Kassam Stadium. His face was full of grief over Chris and gratitude over what had just happened. Barker makes you work hard for his trust but if you earn it you have a decent, principled man as a friend. I wish now I’d hugged him rather than just shook his hand.

Best press-room grub:

The stew at Sunderland. The Black Cats still operate in the Premier League in some areas.

Worst press-room grub:

AFC Wimbledon, Bristol Rovers, Accrington Stanley. No press rooms to put grub in.

The lack of catering is no big deal, by the way. Teams like Wimbledon and Accrington work on very tight budgets and are welcoming hosts.

* Distinction between press rooms and press boxes: press rooms are where the media work inside stadiums before and after games. Posh clubs — and also Rotherham — often call them ‘suites’. Press boxes are areas in the stand where reporters sit, freeze, swear at iffy wifi connections and miss goals because they’re too busy tweeting.

Nicest touch:

Bags of Quality Street and Santa hats in the press box at Southend United just before Christmas even though the club have no money to work with.

Player I’d be happy for my sister to date:

Shaun MacDonald. Just a lovely, warm, genuine human being.

Player my sister would probably want to date:

Freddie Ladapo. Big smile with a hint of danger. I’m not allowing it.

Best quote 5:

“Has Chieo signed for Aston Villa and nobody’s told me?” Paul Warne when Chiedozie Ogbene reported logged on for an online training session during lockdown wearing maroon and sky-blue pyjamas.

Most honest interview:

By a mile, Jamie Lindsay after the 1-0 defeat and arguably worst display of the season at Bristol Rovers in October. “Not good enough.” “They wanted it more.” “Not nasty enough.” “Too soft.”

‘Head in his hands’ moment:

Millers media Matty Roper at Bristol Rovers after bringing out Jamie Lindsay for that interview. Generally the club’s media team are at their happiest when players keep things as bland as possible.

Person I’m a bit scared of on Twitter:

Jerry Yates’ mum.

Coldest afternoon:

Accrington Stanley away in February. Two and a half hours sat literally chilling before the game had even kicked off. Accrington fan and cricket legend David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd came and had a chat in the press box around 1.30pm and soon after was introduced to Millers trio Paul Warne, Richie Barker and coach Matt Hamshaw at the side of the pitch. Barker is a huge cricket fan and it warmed my heart — although, sadly, nothing else — to see the size of his smile.

Car you wouldn’t expect:

Kyle Vassell is a big figure in the Millers camp. The forward is physically imposing, isn’t scared to give an opinion and has a presence about him. He looks the part. Nicely surprising then that as his teammates arrive for training in their BMWs, Audis, Mercs and Range Rovers arrive he pitches up in a VW Scirocco.

Look of pity:

Twenty-year-old Ben Wiles’ expression when I tried to bluff him that I knew all about video game Call of Duty.

Best quote 6:

“It will be the same group and a group that I am hugely proud to be the manager of. You’re an amazing group, you’ve been a joy to be with every day and for that I sincerely thank you.” Paul Warne thanks his players for this season and looks forward to the next one in a higher division.

Final word 1:

Don’t you know.

Final word 2:

Pump it up.

Final word 3:

The Reds are going up.