EDITOR'S PERSPECTIVE: Feelgood factor zero

The Olympic sprit or whatever the latest competition designed to send your serotonin levels through the stratosphere was, just for a change, missing. It had been gone for so long that I was thinking of putting up posters on lamp-posts asking if anyone had seen it.

The house was “falling down”. A leak. Damage in the loft, into the bathroom, onto the landing and through the kitchen ceiling,. The carpets had been ripped out and plaster scraped off the walls, there was dust and rubble everywhere and the industrial dryers whipped up a temperature akin to the Mediterranean, the noise from them like an Ibiza all-night club, the view that of an abandoned building. One that had been flooded.

Ah yes, the magazine. How we took a gigantic risk by abandoning our stressful city lives to resurrect an old country cottage and start new careers as influencers – and amazingly it worked!

Dissatisfaction. Inferiority. Dissatisfaction. Jealousy. That’s what I felt.

Somebody had written a column about how they couldn’t live without their Aga Masterchef Deluxe and here are some dishes you could try.

Someone was driving a huge people carrier, bigger than my house is (now) – “I just don’t know how we would cope now we’ve got the two children and the 17 dogs.”

Another wrote of their six months sabbatical away from their job, painting in the Scottish Highlands, and they would recommend it to anyone as a battery charger.

A family had spent six weeks island hopping around the Galapagos.

Then there was the woman who had married the driver who had ploughed her down as she was crossing the road having just won a million on a scratchcard – oh no, that was a different magazine.

They describe these magazines, like TV programmes about finding the perfect home abroad, doing it up and living happily ever as inspirational, aspirational, they foster ambition.

It’s all a lie though. At least it feels like that today. it's about subtlety nudging your inferiority complex, making you desperate for what they have. It costs. It costs money, relationships, your mental health, if you let it.

Get this, get that and get the other and you will feel better about yourself. Yes, for about half an hour - until you try it on and look like s*** compared to the model, who maybe also feels like s*** due to a drug problem and an eating disorder. Or any other stereotype. At least the items fits him/her though and they get to keep the item.

The day I am knowingly influenced by an influencer… Well, I'm not buying what they have to say and I'm not buying what they tell me I need. To be fair though, looking at the state of the house, I do need a bathroom, some new tiling, paintwork… and maybe a new house in a different place in another country. After I’ve used that sabbatical to learn how to cook that that Aga Masterchef Deluxe I’ve just ordered...